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Am I Too Nice? Do I Expect Too Much?

This past weekend was spent being a good consumer. That is, I did a lot of shopping and spent a fair amount  money.

It was leaving one place that this idea of being too nice popped into my head. Even though I used the ‘self service’ checkout, I did require assistance because of specific items in my basket.

Okay, I am just going to tell you it was at HomeDepot. And even though this is one of my favorite places to shop – for supplies and products and tools and even ideas – this whole notion of being a customer started building in my head.

So, here I am at checkout trying to maintain control of an eight foot piece of PVC pipe, a half dozen plants, a couple cans of spray paint, two ceramic lamps I found on clearance and an assortment of other general type products.

So up comes the spray paint and this requires the cashier to verify that I am over 18 to purchase. Now, keep in mind that the whole point of self serve is just that… to serve yourself. It keeps me from having to interact too much with the employees and I can keep on the single track of creating and getting all the other necessary tasks done so that I can just get back to the task of making beautiful things.

Now, the cashier was pleasant enough, but she was overseeing four of these checkout stations and wasn’t really “plugged in” to what I was doing. So the fact that once she cleared the transaction validating that I am, indeed, over the age of 18 and not heading out to tag the nearest wall or train car, she set about assisting others. Now, that eight foot section of pipe was going to also require her assistance, since they don’t have UPC codes and it is sold ‘by the foot’. So, I had to get her attention and get her back over there to assist. That accomplished, she flitted away again.

Well, those lovely ceramic lamps were a special deal that I negotiated with someone back in the clearance department. Actually quite a good deal as one was chipped (I knew I could camouflage it) and the other was the last of its kind. Originally 19.99 a piece, I got them both for $5.50. But it had to be rung up uniquely. Queue cashier girl. This time she was less than enthusiastic but got the job done.

Okay, everything is scanned in and I pay for the items. Because recently I have committed to reducing my plastic footprint (namely those GD plastic shopping bags), I had to figure out a way to carry these items without the use of a shopping back. (I do carry fabric bags in the car, but apparently haven’t gotten too used to bringing them in to the store with me to use – a story for another time.) So, in all of this, I still managed to look, catch and maintain eye contract long enough to say “thank you” to the young lady and head toward the parking lot.

I wasn’t more than a few feet away when it occurred to me that I shouldn’t be the one to say thank you, shouldn’t that be her role? And then it occurred to me that it wasn’t just this store, not even this particular chain of stores, but everywhere I seem to go.

A little background: When my son was a baby and in daycare, he got sick. Sick enough that the staff decided he should go to the emergency room. They called me and at the same time, we left our individual destinations and made our ways to the hospital. This was when I was working in Silicon Valley and regardless of the time or day, traffic was always a nightmare. And I had about 20 or so miles to cover, all the while I knew that my precious baby boy was puking and running a fever. I know I drove like a crazy person and wove in and out of lanes of traffic, inevitably cutting off people and generally pissing off those around me with my inattention and bad driving.

Long story short, I made it to the hospital and baby was eventually fine – a little gastrointestinal tract irritation that cleared up almost by day’s end. But in looking back, I decided that I would use the basis of this event to help justify others’ driving when it impedes a hopefully smooth commute for me. I don’t know what’s going on with that person, maybe they, too, have a sick/injured/scared/threatened baby/parent/child/significant other and aren’t just being a bad driver, it was a singular event that caused them to be the total assholes they are being. Like I was that day I was scared out of my mind that something terrible was happening to my baby and I couldn’t hold him or comfort him. It sort of grew from there, making allowances for others when the apparent situation didn’t call for the extreme reactions or lack of simple common courtesies.

So, back to the HomeDepot excursion and the fact that I had to say “thank you” even though I was the customer spending my hard earned money for their products and essentially handling the financial transaction, even forgoing having anyone bag my products and even the bag itself! As I continued to think about it, I realized that what you and I refer to as ‘common courtesy’ isn’t really common anymore at all. I tried to think of the last time I really had good customer service (forget ‘excellent’ customer service) and found that I think I’d be happy if someone just acknowledges my existence in their place of business!

Is the times? I suppose there are some that would say so, but I find that it occurs no matter the person’s age… younger or older than me, I still am unappreciated. When was the last time someone held the door for you? Allowed you to enter first? Offered you a seat before sitting first? Have you ever had anyone hold your chair for you to sit?

The Kid used to open the car door for me. He’d make a big show of it, but it was sweet. Once he held my chair for me in a popular chain restaurant and I swear the table next to us gasped! Hasn’t happened in a long time, but I did initially teach him manners. He still regularly holds the door for me, although on occasion I have been known to stand and look at the door, then look to him and then back to the door again. We generally chuckle at it, but I want the person he spends the rest of his life with to want to thank me for raising such a courteous man.

And ever since my HomeDepot excursion, I’ve been noticing too much the lack of “service” in customer service and the lack of manners and polite behavior. It seems especially lacking in written communications like email and texts where it can be especially troublesome. In a recent response from (the company where I work’s) technical support group, I received such a terse and clipped reply that it was almost shocking. Asking for their technical service (which they are highly paid to dispense) was accompanied with what I perceived to be a sigh of exasperation and a grumbling that would be quite uncalled for given the professional level of behavior expected at this company.

I has become more and more clear… manners and good behavior is a thing of a the past. When was the last time someone thanked you? Or wished you a great day. Or went out of their way to assist you?

I hope someone can prove me wrong.


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Knee Surgeries Update – Four Month Status (Went Back to Work Too!)

I’ve been talking about my surgeries like they were babies and they’ve now “grown” from the “weeks old” stage to the “months old” stage. It has been a slow moving year thus far.

But now that I am four months out from both surgeries, things are getting a little better. Gone are the endless days of pain and it is now done to a wrong or sudden move or from sitting or standing too long. I hope that this is an indication that as even more time goes by it will continue to get better. I do have some prolonged pain – similar to those ‘growing pains’ we all experienced as kids – that occurs when I am tired and at the end of a long day. It has to be expected, since the surgeries as really the same as having two breaks in each leg that has to heal. And it has to heal around titanium rods that were hammered into the bones above and below each prosthetic knee. Its a lot to ask your body to do at the same time it is handling all of its other tasks. And at my age, I guess its normal to expect it to take longer than when I was twenty!

Physical therapy is about to run its course as well, at least the insurance is going to run out. Honestly, I don’t know if I really feel that I am getting much – if any – benefit from thrice weekly hour long sessions. I am not doing anything that I wouldn’t normally do, with the exception of doing it repetitively all at the same time. I guess just having to drive over there and being directed to do these things are more than I would probably do on my own. I mean, if I had my ‘druthers, I’d sit on my duff and watch old movies!

I’ve actually gone back to work too. Full time forty hour work week and business casual dress. I don’t have to walk much, but do find some days that it almost feels like it might be too much to do without many breaks. And there certainly isn’t any couches to put my feet up on and ice down the knees! Just the daily grind of getting up at the crack of dawn was a difficult adjustment after being on sabbatical (a year) and then on disability (three months). And of course, I got older in there too! LOL

I still wish for that long lost uncle to leave me a small inheritance so that I could comfortably spend the remaining years without a ‘nine-to-five’ to be tethered. Ah, we can all wish, right?

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Another Week (Weeks 6 and 4)

Time seems to really drag lately. I have officially hit the four week mark since surgery on the second (right) knee. Physical therapy goes extremely slow with it. The first/left knee is much better, but everything seems to have been worse and slower with the second surgery.

One might think it funny that having this time off should be grand, but nothing can be further from the truth. I am sick of being in pain and the slightest stretch or bump can send me into tears and shrieks. I am sick to death of watching television and movies and even attempting to do anything that interests me – ie all of my old hobbies – is almost impossible to attempt. Going upstairs has me exhausted before I even hit the top step, so I end up sitting in my sewing room watching tv while I recoup, and then it takes everything out of me to go back downstairs.

On occasion, I actually go something, it seems so pathetic the task. I was able to hobble out to the garage and get the necessary supplies and tools to re-pot a couple of plants. That was the highlight and the summary of my day yesterday.

Don’t get me started on physical therapy. I swear it is such a scam… there isn’t anything I am doing there that I can’t (and am often doing) at home. I’ve been to two weeks of it and I don’t seem to be doing any better by going. I can say that the one thing is does motivate me to do is shower… God knows I wouldn’t want to go to this place stinking… and I suppose I should be grateful for that. I don’t see much reason for going to all the trouble of showering just to be sitting and laying around the house.

I see my ortho doc on Monday, I am a bit anxious as to what he is going to tell me about my progress. I just don’t see this getting better at a acceptable rate. At least to me. He keeps telling me – as do most of the health professionals I see – that I have to keep in mind that I just had to major surgeries and that it takes time to recover. It seems a different song than the one sang before surgery… I remember him talking about being able to go back to work in four to six weeks post surgery. But here I am at that point, and I couldn’t imagine trying to be at work for eight hours a day, let alone the commute and getting ready. And I haven’t even been cleared to drive yet either.

I keep trying to be positive, but I am finding this the most difficult part of the recovery. I’ve never been one to have regrets, and not to be redundant, but this is one thing I would not do again if I actually had the chance. I hope I can be made to see that this thinking is wrong somewhere in the future. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

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Time Just Seems to Drag…Ahead of Myself Again!

I wrote in yesterday’s post that I had passed the five- and three-week mile posts following surgeries. Which in talking to The Kid this morning made me realize that I am, once again, ahead of myself. I am just about halfway between weeks four and five (for the left knee) and weeks two and three for the second knee. I have never known time to drag on so slowly for anything! Maybe it has to do with the fact that being essentially bed-ridden that makes time seem to just slow down to a crawl or that I have so many things that I want to get back to doing that I just can’t. God, I am going crazy confined to bed and television.

I keep searching the ‘net looking for information on bi-lateral knee replacement surgeries and recovery and I swear there are as many opinions, recoveries, options and paths as there are doctors and patients. It seems downright stupid to think that I should have done all of this investigation before the surgeries instead of after; nothing like closing that barn door after the horses are gone. I try to take comfort in the fact that all of my medical teams believe that I am mending nicely – if not ahead of the curve – but it sure doesn’t feel that way to me.

You know, now that I stop and really think about it, I really don’t know what I was expecting during the surgeries and during recovery… I suppose it has been like all the other times I ‘went under the knife’ and their respective recoveries. Let see, I have had tracheal surgery three times before I had the Nissen fundoplication surgery to correct the problem with the hiatal hernia and the GERD (which was causing the scaring in my trachea, just below my vocal chords). Then of course, I had my gall bladder removed, a kidney stone (too large to break up to pass) that was surgically removed. Those two operations were done laparoscopically so it seemed that the recovery was quick and easy. I think sometimes that I was doing the recovery and sparred the brunt of taking care of someone recovering that it was easier or quicker than I really recall. I can tell you this: I am quite done with any more surgical treatments and hospitals. I’ve had quite enough, thank you.

I can’t help but feel like I should have had these knee surgeries some decades ago… while I was still young and relatively healthy and I think recovery would have been so much quicker and easier. I have been counseled though that these joints aren’t infallible and won’t last forever, so having them replaced earlier may just have necessitated having them replaced again (probably about now!), so all in all, I think I am where I should be. I can tell you this, I won’t be having them replaced in fifteen or twenty years. No way!

Tomorrow I start on the second round of physical therapy – this time targeting the right knee, but that will include both knees. I know I should have started sooner, but the pain associated with the second surgery has been off-the-charts for me and I just couldn’t bear to even attempt it before this. It is actually quite the catch-22, as it has been explained, the sooner you begin therapy the quicker the pain is reduced… but it was too painful to start before this. I really don’t think of myself as a wimp when it comes to pain… keep in mind that I have been dealing with chronic headaches since my mid-twenties… but the pain from these surgeries (and especially the second/right knee) has been off-the-charts. Twenty-seven hours of labor with my son was a walk in the park compared to this.

I am so anxious to get back to doing ‘stuff’ that I have lists and lists of things I want to accomplish. I still have a few things to “finish up” from before surgeries and I surely have a ton of new ideas since I’ve been laid up. And it seems with nice spring weather just around the corner, I am so ready to get moving. And actually, after being off work for this past year… I am so ready to go back to the fast pace and excitement of the computer industry.



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Can I Really Be Getting Better?

So, just past the five- and three-week marks for the knee surgeries. I *think* that I am finally feeling a little better. I had a minor meltdown last week when the pharmacy decided that I’ve been getting just a few too many pain meds and so had to meet with two of my doctors to figure things out. I swear I was convinced that something was wrong with the right knee (the newer of the two) but doc number two did x-rays and his professional opinion was that they were “perfect”.

Still, I am reminded almost constantly that major stuff just happened. I will have that ever-so-brief moment when I wake up in the middle of the night having to go to the bathroom and finding that very first move to be excruciating. Like having a lighting bolt shoot from my knee down to my toes and from the knee up to my waist. I parked the walker in the living room though and have been getting by holding onto furniture and the walls though and taking tiny baby steps for the past week or so.

Monday I begin the second round of physical therapy. Here’s where the conflict between what the body is saying and what I am being told drastically differs. The PT is vital to recovery and if I want to walk without a limp. Babying these muscles is not the right answer. But holy crap in a basket does it hurt for hours and hours following a PT session. Pushing the muscles, even a degree, seems like the totally wrongest thing to do and I am pushing back with the strength of a hurricane. There is such a difference between what the heart says is the right thing and the pain receptors think.

Got the first surgical bill this past week. Nearly made me pass out. Even worse when I realized that it is only the first of two and of course there are a ton of other charges still coming – from the doctors, the physical therapists, the medicines etc.; somehow though I did get lucky with some real kick-ass health insurance and my portion is just a fraction. But a fraction is still a nice chunk of change, especially considering that I haven’t worked in more than a year now.

I’ve been getting to the point of boredom and frustration more quickly lately, which again, tells me that I must be healing. Still not up to the point of working on any projects, not even those I was sure I would be sailing through. I had set up a hand quilt frame to complete the quilting on an antique quilt I rescued from an abandoned farm house, but alas, I didn’t do it correctly and I don’t have the dexterity to undo the safety pin basting so that I can re-do it right. I’ve pretty much done only a bit of coloring as I watch television and fade in and out of wakefulness. There is this great new wave of “adult coloring” lately and I invested in this great set of gel pens that includes glitter, fading and just a huge selection of colors. Here are a couple of the canvases that I’ve completed lately:

Okay, that’s it for the update. Updates are slower as my laptop battery died and so I have to try to either write posts on my iPad or wobble into the office and use the desktop. Just one more thing sitting and waiting for future income to address, like the fact that I’ve broken two throatplates on two of my three sewing machines (making them unusable). The list continues to grow every day of the projects piling up that require income and I am still at least two or three good weeks away from even thinking about going back to work. Sigh.


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Two Weeks and Four Weeks: Is This Progress?

Another followup appointment with my ortho doc today. Pain in the second (right) knee has become occasionally so intense that it becomes necessary to have an all out crying jag as a result. And wow, even though I know it, I can’t help it, and it makes The Kid really uncomfortable.

So, today makes two weeks since surgery on the right knee – the second surgery and second knee. Some how I thought I would be further at this point. I can’t help this mantra in the back of my head saying that I  think I made a mistake, although its obvious that there isn’t anything that I can do about it now. I guess I have to try and just do the best I can going forward with physical therapy and pain medication and just trying to be as active as possible. I understand that it is probably the best thing to manage the pain overall.

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This time? Regrets. At least right now; yes.

These past couple of days have been tough. I got home from the hospital late on Saturday afternoon and since, for about two days, I have spent every single moment in pain, immobility, sick to my stomach and frustrated beyond words. But not beyond tears.

I keep setting little dates for myself… just wait 24 hours to see if I am feeling better. Just give it one more night of sleep and surely the pain will start to dissipate. At some point, this has to make a turn – maybe if not a complete one hundred and eighty – enough to give me a sanity break. Right?

‘Cause for the first time since beginning this process, and that includes years of alternative treatments and investigations, therapy and to be perfectly honest, prayer – I have regrets and doubts. I am second guessing this. Of course one never knows the real outcome of something until it is done, I am at the point where I wished I had never headed down this particular path.

I mean, even the first knee was something I would consider successful. At this point last week – before the second surgery – I was feeling pretty optimistic. I mean, I would have had to in order to willingly head back into the hospital for the second procedure.

One thing I have learned is that these things are not “cookie cutter”. I am finding out how different things can and have been between the left and right knees. Somewhere in my thinking, I guess I thought that surgery would be the great equalizer… I mean, once the joint has been removed, it is simply a clean slate for the prosthetic, right? But from the get-go, I know that the pain level has been very different, the incision has been shorter and the general journey has been considerably different for the second knee (right knee) than the first.

And honestly, I could ask and read and research all day but when it comes right down to it, the fact is that this is way more painful this go ‘around. And I think that will make recovery both longer and more painful. And I am finding that I am running short of patience and tolerance and catch myself in crying jags that have nothing to do with the constant dull ache behind my knee caps.

I thought that if I might actually write down some of these words it might help. As I think I’ve stated, I wanted this experience to be reported accurately, at least in terms of how it is going for me. Obviously as the experience has been profoundly different between knees for me… you can only image how different the process could be between people!

Between the pain and the pain killers, I feel like I have no energy, no drive and no imagination or curiosity. All the things that I thought I might enjoy during this downtime have been both physically and figuratively pushed back against the wall where they are but an irritating reminder that I should be accomplishing more. Accomplishing something. Accomplishing anything.

(Oh, did I mention that my laptop up and crapped out on me too! Which means to do anything on the computer, I have actually drag my sorry ass into the office and use my desktop machine. Just one more irritating and complication factor.)

So, once home from the hospital, I gave myself three days to really rest and heal. Sleep long solid hours and eat right (or if not “right” better). Which means, by the end of tomorrow, I should know where I really stand with this knee recovery.

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I Feel A Little Like Punxsutawney Phil

So, I finally managed to get a place where I felt safe enough to open my eyes.Poke my head up, open my eyes and look around. Whew! I think I am safe! Only six more weeks of recovery!

Second surgery done and recovery and physical therapy scheduled to start, I seem to have had a small break in the relenting aching pain in my right leg.

I have so much to write about these surgeries. About me and these surgeries. I know that often you have to digress to go forward, but wow, this has been one of the most painful, difficult and frustrating processes that I have had the pleasure to participate.  I think the one thing that has been most surprising is the vast differences between the surgeries. I mean, there are some differences, but I didn’t honestly think them that much of a difference when I went into this. And I think it is something that you can only know after you are there… you can never second guess something like this.

I can safely say that I will not be rushing back into any kind of surgery in the next decade unless absolutely necessary. Age is just making it more and more difficult to recover as quickly as I used to.

The one thing that I seem to have changed my mind about – oh and there is plenty of time and opportunity for that to turn around as well – is about getting a tattoo. I’ve done some internet surfing on the scars from these surgeries and they are not nice to look at. I guess it will depend on when mine really are healing and becoming scars rather than incisions, but I thought it would be fun to cover them with an interesting tattoo. I heard the experience of “bionic woman” in reference to having had both knees replaced and though it would be neat to have steel plating tattooed over the scars.

And with all my other hobbies and interests, I have lots of options to choose: needle and thread, quilting stitches, wood hinges are some ideas that come to mind, but it will at least give me a diversion while recovering and actually unable to do many of those actual hobbies and interests. If you’ve seen something or have an idea, please send it along. ‘Cause if there is one thing I am it is unique and so my tats must be as well!!

I have been way remiss in writing or posting in either blog over these past couple of months and I hope you are understanding and continue to support me as you have in the past. Soon, I hope this phase will be but one more of the steps to becoming a better me.

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And The Count Down Begins (Again)

So, I am still receiving “high marks” for my continued therapy and exercising even when not being cajoled by the physical therapist. I think I feel like I have already gained so much ground with the first knee replacement and recovery and am really beginning to embrace the additional week that I pushed for between surgeries. After all, with the second surgery the day after tomorrow, the first leg will have to be the “good leg” while I do recovery on the second knee.

It has been an amazing turn of events these past two weeks. I honestly did not feel like that small amount of time would really be enough to feel like I am accomplishing and moving forward. I know the swelling is way down and the bruising – which once covered the entire leg from just mid-level of my thigh – was absolutely terrifying to look at. During the first comprehension hosiery change, I was dumbfounded by the lack of any normal colored skin! It ranged from yellowish red to a purpley-black with shades of deep blue. And this went all the way to the bottom of all of my toes!

Tonight I will peel off the compression hose on my left leg and let the skin breathe for the next day. It will definitely feel good.

I’ve been trying to eat a little better although not making large changes in my diet. More concerned with the amount of what I have been eating rather than with how much. Lots of my comfort food – which good for me isn’t heavy or really bad for me – I am a mashed potatoes junkie! I love putting a couple of ounces of chicken chopped up and sprinkled on top, and this both takes care of my hunger as well as my desire to just feel better. If I had to guess, I’d place bets on having lost about twenty to twenty five pounds in the past four weeks. I guess I will be able to report “officially” on Wednesday, when I check in for surgery.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been fighting the urge to really investigate what is going on during surgery. I glanced at some actual surgical footage and watched the first minute or so of the horizontal incisions across the knee and then one down the length from above the knee to below it and nearly passed out! I’ve never been squeamish about surgery and surgical procedures, but for whatever reason that one nearly made me lose my lunch! I quickly turned it off and have decided that if I really need to review it at some point, it will be at a minimum of three months post recovery. Sometimes it just isn’t necessary!

The Kid continues to make me proud with his attentiveness to my needs both physical and emotional. Every single day I wonder exactly what I did right such that I ended up with the greatest single child ever born. I love that Kid more than life and breath.

With the completion of the first knee’s surgery, somehow word seemed to have hit the job market and phones and email have been off the hook. I loved the time I took off last year – my sabbatical – and the fact that I have the type of career where I can not only think about taking such time off but in fact, can and did, just supports the decisions that I’ve made. But that much time out of the technology sector can be detrimental and am anxious to jump back in with both feet (and legs newly replaced with titanium knees!).

Thank you for hanging in for this ride! Make sure you leave comments and/or send me emails if you have questions about what is entailed in this process. I do plan to go into it with a lot more technical know-how and how it is important not only for medicine but for patients as well.


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Shaping The Conversation: Bilateral Total Knee Joint Replacement Surgery

BTKJRP:  bilateral total knee joint replacement surgery


Okay, I am ten days out from the first surgery and I am completely amazed at how well I feel and how well I feel I am doing!

There was a short period of time where out of pain and frustration and not enough sleep, I did question my sanity. Or that I had any at all! Of course when I woke up after accidentally ripping out my nerve block and seeing my leg more black than blue and wondering if I might ever bend my knee again I can see where it might be easy to question that decision. But getting the pain medication right, good fitting compression stockings and a few back-to-back nights of solid sleep has made all the difference.

Actually, the one thing that I think has had the most impact is physical therapy. Not only doing it, but doing it right. And not pushing too hard. From what I can tell, I am not only staying on track with the p.t., but perhaps just slightly ahead. It was originally part of the plan, though, that the second knee would have the surgery just a week following the first. There was times that I think that I could have perhaps accomplished it and would have been just that much further into recovery, but now I am seriously glad that I waited any extra week.

This topic will require a lot of discussion, and I want to moderate it. I am sure that there is plenty of medical discussion about the proper time surgically as well as emotionally and psychologically. Consider that most people will be lucky enough to never have to replace a total knee joint (let alone two) nor will most people ever have to experience having one or both replacements just once in their lifetime. And what might be right for one person may be the exact opposite of what is right for another. That’s one reason I want to open this up for discussion and debate.

Another top of discussion is the need and benefits of a really invested support person. Oh, I know that there is a whole team of people in place for my surgeries (and I am still amazed with the level of care that has been afforded me) but having my son around to not only act as an personal advocate, support both mentally, physically and psychologically. To be able to drop the worries of bills, bank accounts and a job to focus primarily on these surgeries is, again, one of those luxuries that everyone is not afforded.

I went on my first couple of “adventures” today- first to Joann’s and then to a couple of thrift stores. I felt pretty confident in my movements and was careful to not over-use my new knee as my “walker” experiences grows. I was astonished by the fact that strangers would go out of their way to assist me and not crowd me or make me feel unsure. I am already very displeased with having to use a walker at such a young age, but I know it is important to use the right tools for the job.

Okay, all of this said, I also have to be diligent about getting proper sleep, nutrition and hydration. And because of my extracurricular activities today, I feel the need to replenish and rest. So, I am off to get a solid’s night sleep.

I’m still shaping the exact purpose of this blog. If you have ideas, questions and/or suggestions, I’d love to hear from you. And of course, photos are always welcome!

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