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Just Too Damned Tired

on 18 July, 2018

I don’t know why suicide is considered such a big deal. Especially when there isn’t family and few friends and especially without friends or family that would reach out or visit. Considering that I no longer have family – now that my baby is gone – who would really care?

I haven’t been out of this bed in a week now. Watching stupid old movies or some really good new stuff has been my only companion. And food. More and more food. I’ve been – more or less – out of my groups’ meetings, but it is really okay. I wasn’t really feeling any support from the other group members and actually feeling like no one wanted my deep grief. I was told, more of less, that I was bringing the group down and that this sort of therapy wasn’t for someone like me.

I’ve been to about 7 therapists and none have been right for me. I really haven’t felt any real support for any of the and frankly I have gotten tired of recounting the events that have brought me to this place… I feel like I am rattling off a well rehearsed list of litany. I don’t want it to sound like that. Streeter was the only thing in my life that made life worth living at all. And with the guilt and shame that I feel by not seeing his pain and his anguish and further by not protecting him. I was supposed to be the one to see his pain and hopelessness and get him the help that he needed.

So, what is there to look forward to in what’s left of my life? Nothing. As mentioned above, no family, few if any friends and nothing to look forward to. Not much sense in wasting more of anyone else’s time and energy.

I’m just too tired to do anything any more.


One response to “Just Too Damned Tired

  1. geoffmitch says:

    You know, I’m still reading, subscribed, and hopeful that the path you’re on won’t end with you giving up. I’ve read along as you have had shitty days, and slightly-less-shitty-days. All I’ve written before remains true. Focus on something more healing than what sounds like isolation. Get out. Move about. And make your feelings known in group as to being supported or not. Maybe there are others feeling the same. Maybe you need to start your own subgroup. Don’t give up. Even Peter Gabriel knows it’s the wrong choice.

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