My Blog

Join me in figuring out "what now?"

Seeing Less of You

on 5 June, 2018

Now that I have been writing about Streeter’s death for the last six or seven weeks or so, I think I am seeing the inevitable. The outpouring from friends has been amazing but it is has been waning in the past couple of weeks.

I knew it was inevitable, after all, people have theirs own lives to get on with. Or they still don’t know what to say or do. Or it just isn’t in the fronts of their minds anymore. Or they just plain don’t want to think about suicide in general, or my baby taking his own life or what its done to me.

As for me, my grief hasn’t waned and actually made worse by being in this house alone and really not knowing or understanding what it is that I should be doing. My grief counselor tells me that I am in a stage called “acute grieving” which makes sense as every day I wake up it seems to be worse than the day before. I think the world in general just wants me to “get over it”.

And KC’s finest called yesterday and told me that the case is officially “closed” and I can pick up anything they had previously been holding as evidence. Well, Streeter went in with nothing but the clothing on his back and the gun he used to shoot himself.

I’ve finally found someone (professional) that I can talk to. Just by coincidence and an immediate need to be able to share this with, I would up attending a group meeting in Lawrence. Yes, way out there in Lawrence. For those of you reading that aren’t from around here, its about a 50 mile drive. One way.

Oh and I think I figured out why I am not getting any calls about jobs… I had put a short message on my other blog about being on a hiatus because of Streeter’s death, and never made the connection with the fact that the first thing on my resume is that I am a blogger and I gave that url. People don’t want to hire someone who’s just lost a child to suicide.

I reached out to a recruiter that has been a fairly loyal recruited and we’ve worked together from about the time I moved to Kansas City. I sent him my resume and he called me back almost immediately to remind me that I had that blurb on the home page. Guess I know why no one else was calling.

Which pretty much puts me out of the market here in KC. I either have to leave or change the field of work that I’ve been in since 1985. I guess, since I won’t have anything to tie me to this city, it shouldn’t be hard to leave. It will be difficult to figure out where to go next.

I just got back from voting (special election here in Missouri) and my first inclination was to tell Streeter.

Everything is just as painful – maybe more so – than the day I found him dead.

Streeter's Mom Final


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