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Erasing His Memory?

on 22 May, 2018

Wow, I wondered if this day would ever end. Yesterday they finally replaced the carpet from his bedroom and of course, they screwed it up. So now they have to order more carpet to replace it, once again.

But I started in on his video gaming systems and the games themselves. He has been collecting them for years and at one point it hit me that it seemed that what was happening was that I was simply erasing everything that is left of my son. It hit hard and honestly, between crying jags, I simply could not really even get started. All these ‘things’ were precious to him and I want to keep them all, but I simply cannot.

How do I get through this? It is just killing me inside to have to go through all of his things and try to make decisions about keeping and selling. It doesn’t help that all day long I kept thinking that tomorrow marks two months since he died. My mind knows that he is gone, but my heart keeps wanting him to just appear. God, this is killing me.

I consider myself a strong, level-headed person normally, but how does that help me now? I am falling apart and usually barely ahead of just breaking down in tears and it takes all my strength just to keep going from day to day. And most days I really see no reason to get out of bed.

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can continue this madness. This grief is literally tearing me to pieces.

DIGITAL CAMERA

Such a happy kid… what happened and why didn’t I see it?

Streeter's Mom Final


One response to “Erasing His Memory?

  1. geoffmitch says:

    JBG. Stop being a stubborn hard ass and get the help you need. Seriously. Stop taking the obstinant stance against all the reasons why not to, and just fucking do. Support group, now, please.

    Because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean the world doesn’t need you in it, and you capturing your experience, and Streeter’s existence, and his struggles too. It’s all valid and important, and only you can convey it.

    Meanwhile, FWIW, I recent song lyric overheard in passing caught my attention and make me thin of your struggles… “Darkness depends on where you’re standing.”

    Food for thought, that’s all.

    -g

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