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Answering A Couple of Questions

on 16 May, 2018

I know its been a couple of days since I last wrote. I am happy to announce that stopping the sleep medicine has enabled me to have a couple of nights of really good sleep.

I have been using my days keeping busy packing and sorting. I try not to think too much about things more than a day out, keeps me from asking those questions that I seem to not be able to stop tonight.

This post is kind of special because a really great friend of mine posed a few questions for me in response to the last post:

Powerful. And undeniable. So, question and topic for a post, perhaps. Where are you finding your courage? Where do you get your strength? Are you engaged in any support groups or community or church organizations or writing outside of this? What keeps you moving forward?

Where am I finding my courage? I have no courage. Every night I go to bed wishing I were the one who was dead instead of my beautiful young boy who had his whole life ahead of him. Like I said, I usually try to just keep my mind on the tasks at hand and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I also have no strength. When I do allow my mind to wander, if it isn’t to my son, it is to the uncertainty of my future. Right now I don’t know where I am going to live or where I am going to work and which friends will still support when this becomes old news to them. I am a coward and just want to hide from all of this.

Am I engaged in support groups or community or church groups. I’ll start with the last one first. Church groups don’t hold any interest, because frankly, religion has failed me. If one more person tells me he is in “a better place” I may attack them. Can anyone tell me why God would want my beautiful 22 year old son to take his own life? Fuck God.

I haven’t been to any other groups because I fear that it will turn into a “one up-man” contest. Whose child’s death was worse or more heartbreaking or more devastating. To me there has been no bigger tragedy than the loss of my son. Still, I have a ‘wellness coordinator’ through my insurance that has been more supportive of me than I can imagine a healthcare company ever being. She has sought out many avenues of therapy than I can almost count, and she has found a group that focuses on children’s suicides and I promised her that I would try this one that meets on the last Thursday of every month. But I swear, because it meets in the back rooms of a church, that if one person brings up God or  religion, I will be out of the faster than you could know.

I tried psychotherapy and it didn’t go very well. The first one I saw seemed to be more interested in getting her money (because there was a short gap in health care), but my care coordinator talked me into another. It just didn’t seem to work either… I think she was honestly bored or something as she kept glancing at her open computer. But honestly, how can I tell her my whole life story in 45 minutes so that she knows what I have gone through – the good and the bad – so that she can make some meaningful suggestions? No, therapy doesn’t work.

Also the drugs don’t seem to work either. I actually got the doctor to take me off of one and really listened to me when I told him that I wasn’t sleeping and would only have moments of anxiety. He goofed on upping the dose on the sleeping pills, but did listed to my request of something that I had been prescribed years ago when I was having difficulties.

Right now the friends that are supporting me are the best avenue I think I could take. And writing this blog. More comes out of me every time I write and I think it is very therapeutic for me. I think that for the most part, people want to help, they just don’t know how. And that’s alright. I know that they way he died is abhorrent or unnatural and they just don’t know what to say or do.

Like I said, its okay.

What really set me off tonight was thinking about one of the last things packed today. I ran across a set of dish towels that my grandmother made and crocheted the edge and my mother embroidered. They were handed down to me, and I continued the work. But who do I have to hand them down to? Something that three generations have worked on separately will now go into an estate sale and will never know the love and dedication behind it.

Lastly, ‘what keeps me moving forward’? It is only by sheer will and nature. Although I lay down every night hoping not to wake up, I still wake up. And since there are no signs that I will be leaving this life anytime soon, things have to be done as I will soon be all on my own – extensively for the first time in my life – I have to prepare for that.

Hopefully, now, I might be able to fall asleep.

Thank you Geoff, for asking. You have been a very good friend.

Streeter Sequoia


One response to “Answering A Couple of Questions

  1. geoffmitch says:

    I am glad you’re sleeping. I agree it’s important and needed, so hearing you’ve gotten some is a godsen… uh, a life saver. ;-). And yeah, for the record I wholeheartedly agree, Fuck “God”. ALL of them. Those actively subscribed to today and those worshiped prior by decades and centuries of wishful thinking cultures that we look back on now and scratch our head over how they could have subscribed to that crap, while we ignorantly subscribe to our own selective avoidance of reason.

    Your pain is palpable. I have said it before, I can’t imagine this and with 14yr old twins and the trends seemingly on the rise for these sort of horrific incidents in our youth, I fear like mad over the thought of it and grieve for your loss with a connection to a time at which you first started this journey to have Streeter in the first place.

    I do think you have courage, I do think you have strength. You’re still here, you’re still writing, you’re still striving to move through this in some capacity, at your own speed and pace, but still mindful and present. That’s something.

    I’ve had my own struggles. I’ve shared my blog with you, both, I hope, and if not, I’ll send the ‘private’ one separately. I’ve had nothing of this magnitude but I’ve had reason, religion, and rationalization all up in my face in more ways than I can say and felt the same as you on many an occasion… pre-emptively ready to attack or walk away, or both.

    It’s easy for me to try and reach out from a distance and give advice or tough love but you’re right that there’s only so much any of can/will do but don’t think that this will become ‘old news’, it’s tragic. AND for what it’s worth, I found this post not by my subscription or Facebook, but by going directly to maccupcake.com, with a conscious interest in how you’re holding up.

    I’ll keep my eye out for any opportunity for work you could do remotely but i’m not that ‘connected’. I think you might not see it yet, but if you can get past the pre-emptive aspects of the hesitations you have around the support groups you might find solace not in what they’ll have to share that helps you, but that what you’ve felt, and what you’re capable of sharing, may well get THEM through the same pain. And it’s schmaltzy as hell but helping others really is its own reward. With your writing skills, I think you have an opportunity in hand to find and give courage and strength. In time and at your own pace. Just keep writing, sharing, and please consider the support options as two-way opportunities.

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