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One of the First and Worst Holidays

on 12 May, 2018

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  This one is really hard as it is the first without my baby boy. I can’t begin to imagine how joyful and happy everyone is going to be, you know, out there in the world. Restaurants, shopping, parks, whatever.

I know that I have said this before, maybe even here in this blog, but somehow not having a child anymore means I am no longer a mother. Who will celebrate me? We weren’t big on celebrations in general, but Streeter always remembered me on Mother’s Day. My last year’s gift was breakfast in bed and a gaily wrapped bamboo plant (he knew I preferred plants to flowers, as they last longer). He spent the entire day with me, just kicking back and being silly, we probably watched our favorite movie again – John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982). We have seen this movie so many times that we could recite every single word of it.

I’m going to hang out with my friend Chuck, since I couldn’t stand to be in this house with all these memories tomorrow. Every wall and surface is covered with his photos, his creations, his things and most of all, his memories. God I miss him so much.

Like I have said before, I try to keep myself occupied with tasks that have to be done relatively soon, so that the house can be sold. But when I have a free minute, I look up from the foyer to his bedroom door – like I have done a million times – only this time, my heart breaks. And here come the tears again. I find myself having difficulties just writing.

The past year he had become camera shy, after being such a ham for so long and loving the cameras. We considered him having a modeling career when he was young and so outgoing. But I, too, became camera shy about the same age, when I decided that I would be behind the camera so I didn’t have to be in front of it. But as a consequence, I don’t have many photos from the past year. Just when I needed them most.

How could I have ever known that he was unhappy? He had the most wonderful smile. Without my baby, I feel like I am no longer perceived as a mother, as I no longer have a child.

If you could take any kind of advice from me, hug and tell your child how much you love them, no matter how old or young they are. Talk to them and if you feel like there is anything – and I mean anything – wrong, get them to talk to you. I wished I had known what was going on in his mind before all of this. That even though we spent so much time with one another, I didn’t know what was really going on.

Think kind thoughts of me as you all celebrate this day. I wish you all joy.

Streeter's Mom Final


One response to “One of the First and Worst Holidays

  1. geoffmitch says:

    I’ve already been thinking good thoughts and anticipating a difficult day. Just breathe, get through it, keep in mind you’re not alone and have friends.

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