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And The Pendulum Swings Back…

on 7 May, 2018

Today has been exhausting and frustrating and makes me question whether I can do this at all. This day has been about the long process ahead separating what to keep and what to not. So far today, it has been about what I am keeping. But the very thought of going through each and every item that my son collected. Much as his mother was a collector, so was he. And of course, we collected things together which are even more endearing. Everything meant something to him and to me, and it breaks my heart to have to make a decision on each item or collection. I want to keep it all.

And as logical as I am trying to be – after all, I know I can’t keep everything barring a miracle – it all hurts so much to have to discard even one of his treasures. I just am paralyzed with indecision. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that this has to be done, but right now it seems that I have more than enough time and justify not sorting and organizing based on it.

This morning I had to go to the pharmacy and while I was waiting a young mother came in with her little boy, couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6. He was not feeling well. She was giving him all the comfort I recall giving Streeter when he didn’t feel well, letting him sit on my lap and rubbing his back and giving his forehead little kisses. It made me miss him so much that I had yet another crying jag right there in the middle of CVS. Even as a ‘grown up’ when he didn’t feel well, Streeter would crawl in bed with me and I would rub his back and kiss his forehead until he fell asleep. How can that all be over?

I expect that the days will swing back and forth forever for me. And whenever I cry I get a headache and sleepy and just want to cuddle with his pillows, which is all I have left with his smell in them.

I can’t believe this is happening to me… where is my baby boy?

Streeter's Mom Final


One response to “And The Pendulum Swings Back…

  1. geoffmitch says:

    Sorry to hear but not surprised either… as a parent I see similar exchanges and lament just the loss of that time/age, not the loss of that child. It’s grueling, at best, i’m sure. Maybe you could approach this clearing of contents with a mindset of the ‘obvious’ things that can be parted with and go through the ‘maybe, maybe not’ stuff another time? I don’t know, just a thought. And support sent your way as well.

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