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Join me in figuring out "what now?"

This Has Been A Bad Day

on 4 May, 2018

This writing has been an outlet for me and I hope that it proves cathartic tonight as well.

Tonight is a bad one. Tomorrow will mark the sixth week since he died. I am no closer to answering the millions of questions I have, maybe the most pressing one is what do I have to live for now?

For as long as I can remember it has always been about Streeter. It was like finding out that I finally pregnant and looked like I would carry to term, that I have found the missing piece of me. He and I were practically joined to each at the hip… and everyone around me knew of Streeter. I changed my whole life so that it was first and foremost about him.

So, now with him gone, what is there for me? I don’t feel like I really have a purpose in this world. It will only be about sustaining a purposeless life… working to pay for a place to live and buy food and gas and missing him.

I spent the better part of the day going through some of his “things”, really his treasures, and it just broke my heart to have to part with a single object. His smell is gone from the house and I still want to turn to him for his help, his comfort, his love every single minute. I find myself ready to shout up to him (in his room) “Hey sweetheart!” or turn to him and telling him that I recognize an actor in a show from one of our favorite shows. I saw an Allstate ad and my instinct was to tell him that ‘Mayhem’ was back!

And I see less and less people replying or commenting about him. Some of the people I considered to be very important people appear to be too uncomfortable about my intense sadness to even reach out anymore. Some have never reached out.

I thank God for those who steadfastly push their way into my life. Without these people – and you know who you are – I would probably be over the edge already. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably check myself into a mental hospital if I knew I could be drugged out of consciousness 24/7. Doesn’t that sound pleasant? Sleep away your life until you die?

There are days when I think I might just make it and then there are days like today; especially like tonight. Again the sleeping pill doesn’t seem to be working and I can’t take more if I want to get anything done tomorrow.

I wish I didn’t have to think about things. Maybe what I need to do is get my tattoo tomorrow to feel like I have him closer to me. And maybe the pain of it all will help drown out this heartache.

Streeter's Mom Final


One response to “This Has Been A Bad Day

  1. geoffmitch says:

    As harsh as it might be to say, I knew you before him, I can’t imagine the loss but you were ‘you’ at one point without him as an extension or identity, and you can’t expect that this will all fall into place in 6 weeks, 6 months or perhaps 6 years. BUT you are YOU independent of him. There are people who face re-finding themselves after having focused on a marriage or a relationship or a child that eventually moves, or god forbid, is lost in a horrific manner. You have put “you” on hold for all these years, and blended your identity. But remember you remain “you” at the core, and you have to remember you are still there. Fractured, broken, tormented and struggling, indeed, but there is an independent strongwilled character there that was there all those years ago at Apple, well before, well after, in advance of and even in parallel with Streeter. Go get the tattoo.

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