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Yesterday Was Good But Last Night Was Hell

on 2 May, 2018

I have a great friend who has been helping me through all this. I sometimes feel like I might be taking advantage of him and his willingness to listen to my cry and complain and worry, but we’ve known each other a long time and we’re really comfortable with one another.

Last night was awesome! He invited me over for dinner and he made the best steaks and fresh green beans I have ever had. I am not exaggerating one bit, it rocked! Me, of course, forgot the dessert I was supposed to bring. 😦

Afterwards we just opted to watch a movie (The Fifth Element) together kicked off our shoes and stretched out on separate couches and I enjoyed playing with his cat. All was good even when his son came home, a really sweet and polite young man, which I think both of us were a little worried how I would react to it.

We chatted some through the movie and just generally hung out. Because of all the new meds that I am on, I opted not to drink, but I was fine with him drinking. I had told him about the odd experiment of making Jolly Ranchers’ vodka (five different flavors) and had told him I was going to give them to him because of the whole ‘not drinking’ thing; forgot to bring those as well. (The day had started out as one of those ‘just unable to keep my mind on any one thing for more than about 15 minutes all day, so maybe it was good that there wasn’t any open alcohol containers in the car in case of being pulled over!)

So, once the movie was over, it seemed like a good time to head home. On the drive, though, it started to sink in that those were evenings that Streeter and I had shared almost every night since he was very young and that I would soon be living alone (for the first time in my whole life) and would be watching and spending much time alone.

This made going to sleep very difficult, in fact, didn’t fall asleep (I fear it was just sheer exhaustion) around 5:00am and woke up a few hours later missing my sweet boy almost more than I had since he died. I think in my head I am making all these lists and chores and projects to do so that I will be so busy that I think I won’t miss him, but he pops into my head at the oddest times and quite often. Just talking about it here is starting to make me cry.

I finished the cross stitch pattern that I have been working on – took a hiatus through all of this – and so I fear that I need to find something else to work on. I start different projects in his room and then have to step away pretty quickly. I can’t seem to decide what I should keep and what I should get rid of. Everything is sort of in flux because I have to find a job and find a house and find someone to do an ‘estate sale’ sort of thing and sell this house and it is all so overwhelming that I just opt to do nothing and start new projects.

I need to go to bed early tonight and try to get a solid night’s sleep… I have been a basket case all day.

Streeter's Mom

PS The photo was of us at Obama’s first presidential rally here in KC. We had a great time!


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