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Join me in figuring out "what now?"

Quora asks “What is the Most Horrible Thing in the World?”

I started this blog about 7 or 8 years ago as I found myself hitting the “50” milestone. Up to this point things had been pretty good – not without blood, sweat and lots of tears, but in the end, at that point things were pretty great.

The original blog had this photo as the header:

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This was taken while we were on a trip to Mount Rushmore, Streeter driving real highways and interstate after just getting his driver’s license. The road was clear and the weather couldn’t have been better and we were singing to the radio and really have a super great day.

Then from out of nowhere and you can see there is no where there, a cop snapped on his sirens and pulled us over. Not only did he give Streeter a speeding ticket (going 60 in a 50 zone) which made his license provisional until 18 – but threatened to arrest me for “adding to the delinquency to a minor” after attempting to explain that I thought it was okay to go a little faster than the speed limit and our joy getting the best of us. I snapped the photo thinking I would protest the ticket laterĀ  (Nebraska btw) but then decided to use it as the original header to this blog, which was supposed to be about where I was going with the rest of my life.IMG_1123

Little did I know that I would lose him just six short years later.

I wanted to give you a little background on what this entry was supposed to be all about. See, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital where for a week I wouldn’t come out of the room. When they finally told me the only way to get discharged was to participate in group therapies, I relented.

I sat in this room with the most pitiful people I had ever met. The two worst cases were a 72 year old man whose was grieving the passing of his parents ten years ago. The other was this woman who was just ‘sad’ (her word not mine) and that a second cousin had died a few months before and her dog died last month.

I was aghast. What could these people know of me finding my only son that I walked through fire to be able to give birth, was dead. That I simply, too, was dead yet my heart wouldn’t stop beating. I knew that group would never work for me. How many people are there in the world that had lost only children that were the result of infertility treatments that committed suicide? Right now it seems to be a very exclusive club of one.

This post was prompted by a question on Quora: “What is the most horrible thing in the world?”

The first post was written (written well, I might add) about a young girl who gets out of bed and puts her feet on a cold floor and makes her way to the kitchen to find that she had no milk. End of answer. The “most horrible thing in the world?”

Here was my answer:

What is the most horrible thing in the world?

MacCupcake

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Streeter Daniel-Benson Grant 06/30/95 – 03/23/18 Rest in Peace My Baby Boy

I’ve never been predictably methodical about writing in this blog and as such, doesn’t have much of a following. My other blog gets much more visits due to the large number of projects, writing, photos, time and attention. But what I have to say can’t be said on the other site, so please understand that this is one of the hardest – strike that – the absolutely, most insanely difficult thing that I know I will ever write.

I have been writing and re-writing and editing most of the day. I guess there is no simple way to say this, so I will just say it: Late on March 23 or early March 24th, the single most precious and my only true reason for living – my beautiful son Streeter – took his own life.

Suffice to say that this hit me – is hitting me – very, very hard. Once the police and medics and medical examiners had trampled every piece of me to bits, I can say simply that I am broken.

Those of you who really know me, know that nearly five years of infertility treatments – including 6 IVF procedures – were required to bring that beautiful, happy baby into this world. I had him less than 23 years.

We were often known for our spontaneous travels about the U.S., last year we went to Arches National Park in Utah, that’s Streeter dutifully obliging me with a pose:

IMG_6960The year before we went to Texas for a week, doing The Alamo and San Antonio, cruised through Dallas/Fort Worth and spent a few days on the beach at Corpus Christi.

We were notorious for travel and usually on a moment’s spur. Grand Canyon, New Mexico, Oklahoma City, Dodge City, Chicago, Des Moines, Nashville, Yosemite, Hawaii, every square inch of California, Phoenix, Oregon, Washington…. on and on and on.

A ways back, we posted our current state visits (mine on the left, Streeter’s on the right):

 

Our plan for this summer was to drive to Alaska. This would have filled in a couple more states for Streeter. My plan is to still go and spread his ashes along the way and in Alaska itself.

I have set up a “GoFundMe” account and appreciate all gifts no matter how large or small. I just want to do this for him.

Here are some photos of him from recent years. He was my whole world and without him I feel broken. I hope this trips helps me through the grieving process.

Streeter

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Beautiful Sounds

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photo

With his puppy, Ashla.

Kid Fedora

The Kid and His Dog "Ashla"…I just cannot believe that he is gone from me.

Thank you for remembering him with me.

Julie

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