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Join me in figuring out "what now?"

Five Weeks, But Seems A Lot Longer

on 29 April, 2018

This has been a whole helluva weekend. I wander around totally unfocused, spending a few minutes looking at this room and that closet and the drawers in the kitchen and not having a clue as to what I am going to do with it all. Or where I am going to take it all.

Where am I going to live and how will I find it. If I find it, will I have a room that has his collectibles and keepsakes. He was an avid collector – must have gotten it from his momma – and how can I just throw his treasures away? The house is a mess with moving things around, trying to figure out what can go and what stays. I’ve spent more than a decade collecting for my hobbies and those things that I love. I have a well stocked and supplied garage workshop. I need a house the size I am living in now, although I suppose I could do without a guest room, I suppose, and I am ready to give up my giant bedroom suite for something more simple, but I don’t image see parting with a single thing in my sewing room.

And then my mind shifts to Mother’s Day in a couple of weeks and how I will never get flowers or breakfast in bed from my baby. Ever. Again. I will never hear his sweet voice telling me how much he loves me or do I want eggs over or scrambled. Never have him watch television with me or share the viewing of our favorite move “The Thing” again and say all the lines together. Never have those inside jokes and those telling looks we used to give one another.

I’m afraid that people are getting tired of me going on about it. Sometimes I feel like I won;t be able to take another breath and sometimes I wish I could get on with things. I just feel so hopeless.

I have this book in my bathroom called “8979 Words of Wisdom” and the most apt line that I have read so far is: “Some questions will never have an answer.”

I suppose over time the little issues will resolve themselves, but right now they are right there in from of my mind. The bigger issues – like why? – will never be understood.

Streeter's Mom

Oh, for Mother’s Day I am planning to get my blog signature tattooed over my heart. He, of course, will always be there.


4 responses to “Five Weeks, But Seems A Lot Longer

  1. JBG please keep telling us, we care and we are listening. It is unfathomable what you are going through but we will do what we can to help you. ♥️♥️

  2. geoffmitch says:

    You’ve been through a nightmare I can’t imagine so this comes from a place of ignorance, but maybe, just maybe, it’s time to minimalize. Reduce and remove all you can. Sell it or donate it. Memories are in the mind, not an object. The object is just a trigger. This could be a time of rebirth. As would a sudden fire wiping out all you had. Forcing you to shed and start fresh. IMHO the less you have to physically drag along with you, the more agile you can be. Just a thought. Keep moving foward as much as you can.

  3. MacCupcake says:

    I think I may have to, want to or not. The worst part is that I will be doing all of this alone. This will be the first time I have really been alone… from living with parents, living with boyfriends, getting married and having the best friend I ever had be with me all the time. It is exhausting trying to make ALL the decisions.

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