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Can I Only Expect One Good Day a Month?

on 25 April, 2018

Today was another one of those days where I couldn’t seem to get one foot in front of the other. ALL DAMNED DAY.

I have about a hundred things going on at the same time so I figured I’d get a planner and get things written down in one place. Driving down to Office Depot, picking a planner (they have like literally thousands of ’em) and to actually navigate back home took hours. Then to find all the appointment cards and notes written on several different pads of paper and get them filled into the book, making calls and setting appointments and then getting those filled in as well.

Something that like should only take a few minutes, half an hour tops… but for me it was a solid four hours. I am living in absolute chaos with things half packed and sitting everywhere. I thought that I’d get a heads up on things, but then later realized if I utilize an estate sale company, they’d want to be able to see everything out in the open. I am trying to figure out what I want to keep, need to keep and would fit into a new place. I’ve spent so much time and energy and money accumulating what my husband referred to as “too much stuff”. This is the equipment in my sewing room and my well equipped garage with the best tools and materials… you know the “stuff”  enable me to create the stuff I show on my other blog. All of the wonderful things me and the kid found while thrifting and collected on all of our exploration trips.

And of course, there’s everything in Streeter’s room that I cannot bear to lose.

I’ve mostly stopped eating… for some reason I only eat canned corn and fresh broccoli. I’ve stopped drinking Diet Coke, with some good results (healthy, I think). I’ve officially lost more than 25 pounds… hell of a way to lose weight.

I’m still not sleeping much more than about six hours. I try to nap during the day but I just can’t sleep. I wander around the house and everything makes me cry. I applied for about a hundred jobs – I know that I duplicate-applied to some jobs… but I am simply not getting any responses or invitations to interview. I just feel so hopeless about everything.

I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow. I have someone coming out to fix the floor that had to be removed by crime scene guys and I know that is seriously going to knock me on my ass.

But I did find a group that I may try and attend tomorrow. I have a “care coordinator” with my health insurance who is an amazing and wonderful woman. She has been so supportive and responsive. She found this group and I think I might try it but may just hang back and just see how it goes. I fear that I may just cry through the entire thing and just not have the strength or energy or the ability to talk to a group about my situation. I was told that the woman that started the group lost her son – and described him as her ‘best friend’ (the same way I described my son – 13 years ago.

I worry that both I will find that she has not moved on at all in 13 years or that she has completely gotten over the death of her son. Did I tell you that I had someone say to me that after two weeks in the hospital “shouldn’t you be fixed by now?”. Most of my friends have been understanding and supportive, its my “family” that has disappointed me. It is just one more reason that my true family are the friends that I have made along the way. My family has always let me down. I thought that Streeter and me would always be the ultimate team.

I miss him so much… I can’t ever imagine not missing him this much.IMG_2238Streeter's Mom


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