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This Has to be The Worst Day Yet

on 23 April, 2018

Today marks one month since my darling son felt that he had no choice but to take his own life. I awoke in tears today.

And it went downhill since that. While I have often put on a “brave” face for many things: jobs, shopping, paying bills, cleaning the house and trying to be creative enough to merit yet another blog post on my other blog, today was almost impossible.

So, in addition to feeling lost, lonely and utterly sad, I am now faced with the fact that my husband (while I was in the hospital) hired a divorce attorney, set up his own bank account and diverted all of his funds into it and announced to me – when I finally got to come home from the hospital – that he was divorcing me, retiring from his job and moving to Arizona.

From the moment I knew infertility treatment had finally worked and my baby boy was safely on his way, I was intent on giving him everything I didn’t have growing up with so many brothers and sisters – an steadily absent father (long haul truck driver most of my life) and an overworked and angry mother who blamed everyone else for having all of this thrust upon her,

I have said many times that there is no way that two people should have this many kids – there just isn’t enough time, attention, love and interest in a couple (let alone for all intents and purposes a ‘single’ mother) to give to that many kids. And I was angry about all that I did not get and that doesn’t even include the lack of ‘stuff’ that every child dreams about.

I wanted Streeter to have everything – mostly my love and attention – but those material things that I never had. A nice house, his own room and bed and the very best in clothes and toys and opportunities. I wanted to give to him – while also giving myself those things – the opportunity to travel and see the country. And (almost) every toy that he ever wanted. But most of all, I wanted – no needed – to give him my affection and love, hugs and kisses, to be read to before bed and the real need to be proud of himself as well as his family.

I have worked very hard over the past thirty years or so to acquire those things I felt were necessary to live the ‘good life’. And now I see it unraveling right in front of my eyes on the heels of him losing his life. I can’t seem to find a job, my health right now is a joke, I am soon to lose my house and my car and that goes without saying that everything that he had that meant so much to him.

Yesterday I had this breakdown in an aisle in HomeDepot, today it was in IKEA. If I don’t say anything and don’t look people in the eye I have the slightest chance of not losing it, but the checkout clerk was so kind and I didn’t want to intentionally hurt his feelings, so I stumbled out the words that I wasn’t intentionally being disrespectful, but that I had just lost my son. As soon as the words fell out of my mouth, he wanted to hug me and say something meaningful but I couldn’t stand there one more second, but broke down into tears, sobbing as I stumbled off towards the exit. Once outside, the tears flooded from my eyes and I couldn’t turn it off for like fifteen minutes.

I am missing him so much it physically hurts. I’ve not had anyone offer me a hug or a hand or arm across my shoulders in weeks and I am so used to have hundreds of hugs and kisses from my baby. It is the worst kind of withdrawal I couldn’t ever imagine until now.

My life seems to be falling apart a little more every day. This morning I didn’t even get that fraction of a second when waking to not realize he was gone, I woke up in tears. One month has passed and I can’t seem to see it ever getting better…. only worse and worse.

I really don’t know how I will ever bear this…

Streeter's Mom


One response to “This Has to be The Worst Day Yet

  1. gsm says:

    It’s only been a month. Cut yourself some slack. Focus on YOURSELF and YOUR survival (Job and Support systems local or online) and the rest will fall into place. Maybe not the same place, but a stable place. 1 month in can’t be where it’s gonna be any easier, and you clearly have more than just one loss to deal with right now. Maybe all the other issues at hand are blessings in disguise? Distractions that will move you forward? Focus on stabilizing. Breathe. After reading this, I did a bit of googling and reading and wanted to gently suggest you read this if willing to do so… it might resonate and alleviate some of the sense of isolation and trauma to see that many of the things you’re coming up against have been struggles for others as well. I hope you’ll keep working on this. https://thefriendshipbench.org/a-letter-to-parents-surviving-a-childs-suicide/

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