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Tomorrow Marks One Month

on 22 April, 2018

I honestly don’t know how many more mornings I can wake up and deal with the fact that my baby, my best friend and constant companion is dead.

Sometimes I think this is the longest April Fool’s joke anyone has ever played and that one day he will walk through the front door and give me a big bear hug and lots of kisses.

But my mind knows better. And my heart is just so broken that I can’t see much past the next two minutes at any time and it is only due to my doctor that I can sleep now that he has prescribed sleeping pills. Even at that I am only getting about six hours of sound sleep. Every night when I go to bed, I look upwards and ask that if there really is a God that he take me before morning. It never fails that I wake up and think about my baby and cry and cry and cry. I can’t imagine how this will ever get better.

I see and hear and remember him in every corner and room in this house. I can’t imagine living in this house without it driving me slowly insane, but then again I can’t begin to think about loosing the house that he spent most of his life growing up in and even dying in. I am so confused and lost and don’t know what to think or how to move forward.

I can’t even imagine what was going on inside of him. He always seemed like such a happy and helpful kid…. he always was helping with my projects or willing to sit with me and watch television or a movie. Loved to play on his computers and always willing to lend me a hand with my issues. One of the things we loved to do was go ‘thrifting’ and looking for Pyrex or Magnalite pot and pans and apples and cupcakes and mostly his love of all things military. He has enough fatigues to clothe a small army. And, of course, his collection of money… he was a numismatist.

Legos. He loved his legos. I love Stephen King’s books. It was so fun going out on a saturday morning and hit three or four thrift stores. Occassionally we went to estate sales… you never know what you might run across. He always said that the houses smelled “like old people”, so we didn’t go often, but when we did, we usually found some pretty cool stuff.

What was going on in his head and his heart that he felt he had no reason to go on? I couldn’t have loved him more and told him often. Hugged and kissed him all the time and he would do this in front of others… in public. He was the essence of my heart. When he was born, someone told me that I would then know what it meant to live with my heart outside my body. It couldn’t have been more true. And now that he is gone, he took my heart with him and I feel dead inside.

Streeter's Mom


One response to “Tomorrow Marks One Month

  1. geoffmitch says:

    Wow. That comment about living with your heart outside your body…. so true. I went to a scout event with my son (14) this weekend and one of the dads who follows me on FB approached me about your situation. As hard to Imagine as it clearly is, you are not alone in this – they related a similar story of friends don between our two kids ages doing something similar within the last few weeks. And how completely devastating and unexpected this whole situation has been for the parent. They didn’t see it coming. They had no sign or warnings or indications of risks or unhappiness or deprrssion. I don’t know if that will give you any solace but your loss is felt and understood and sadly shared outside the confines of the home that haunts you so. Maybe things can and will get better with time and exploration into “why”? Thats something I hope for, for you. That some time and understanding might lift the weight enough that you can breathe a bit easier. There’s others out there bearing the same weight. I can’t imagine it. I never want to, but we may all benefit from having a better understanding of how things like this come about for the children we love so dearly. I hope you can find some local support and/or online resources to get through this. Please keep writing too. This alone could help so many others to gain insight and perspective. My friend mentioned above how it already has for him.

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