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Join me in figuring out "what now?"

Everyone says it will get better…

on 18 April, 2018

Just about the time I think I have the positive energy to get something done, my brain goes into overdrive and my heart breaks in about ten millions pieces all over again.

In between job hunting, doctors’ visits, therapists’ and group meetings, I have to think about finding a new place to live, getting rid of probably 75% of all my “stuff”, which includes all the heartbreaking things that my baby boy collected. The carpeting in his room has to be replaced so there is dealing with the homeowner’s insurance as well.

The new place has to be able to accommodate at least my quilting stuff, which I can’t even imagine trying to move all of that downstairs. There’s five bedrooms’ worth of furniture and it just seems to go on and on and on.

Looks like I will lose my health insurance, no small thing in this day and age coupled with the place I am at right now.

I sit here an try to get organized in some way and I can’t help but think about what life was like just a month ago… I never had a clue that he was so depressed.

And there is that… I am still dealing with an unsympathetic Kansas City police department and medical examiner’s office… I can’t even get his Certificate of Death. The detective in the case was a real asshole when I tried to talk to him about what happened. It’s like he was just one insignificant kid to the rest of the whole world… but to me he was the whole world. My whole world. I don’t know how I am going to make it in this world without him.

photoThis was just the kind of kid he was. I just don’t understand what was going on with him. I never saw a second of depression in him and God knows I know depression in me.

Every morning I would hear him come down the stairs, taking them three at a time: thump thump thump, thump thump thump, thump thump thump. And he’d be cautiously knocking on my bedroom door to see if he could make me breakfast. Or better yet, come slip in beside me and snuggle with me. Talk about the day and what had to be done and what we wanted to do.

And every night the same ritual when I would text him that I was heading to bed… thump thump thump, thump thump thump, thump thump thump… and a couple of g’night kisses and a hug or two. We exchanged about a million texts, it was just such a part of our communications… and he could say anything to me. Told each other we loved each other dozens of times a day. And kisses and hugs all the time. Even though he was not a kid anymore, he still loved his momma.

Took such good care of me when I had all those surgeries in the past couple of years… gall bladder, kidney stone and both knee replacements. Would drive from Kansas City North to Overland Park every day. Never hesitated if I needed him to pick up something or make dinner or breakfast or run to the store. I feel like I died right along side of him.

010114I love you so  much baby bear of mine…

Streeter's Mom


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