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Join me in figuring out "what now?"

This time? Regrets. At least right now; yes.

on 15 February, 2016

These past couple of days have been tough. I got home from the hospital late on Saturday afternoon and since, for about two days, I have spent every single moment in pain, immobility, sick to my stomach and frustrated beyond words. But not beyond tears.

I keep setting little dates for myself… just wait 24 hours to see if I am feeling better. Just give it one more night of sleep and surely the pain will start to dissipate. At some point, this has to make a turn – maybe if not a complete one hundred and eighty – enough to give me a sanity break. Right?

‘Cause for the first time since beginning this process, and that includes years of alternative treatments and investigations, therapy and to be perfectly honest, prayer – I have regrets and doubts. I am second guessing this. Of course one never knows the real outcome of something until it is done, I am at the point where I wished I had never headed down this particular path.

I mean, even the first knee was something I would consider successful. At this point last week – before the second surgery – I was feeling pretty optimistic. I mean, I would have had to in order to willingly head back into the hospital for the second procedure.

One thing I have learned is that these things are not “cookie cutter”. I am finding out how different things can and have been between the left and right knees. Somewhere in my thinking, I guess I thought that surgery would be the great equalizer… I mean, once the joint has been removed, it is simply a clean slate for the prosthetic, right? But from the get-go, I know that the pain level has been very different, the incision has been shorter and the general journey has been considerably different for the second knee (right knee) than the first.

And honestly, I could ask and read and research all day but when it comes right down to it, the fact is that this is way more painful this go ‘around. And I think that will make recovery both longer and more painful. And I am finding that I am running short of patience and tolerance and catch myself in crying jags that have nothing to do with the constant dull ache behind my knee caps.

I thought that if I might actually write down some of these words it might help. As I think I’ve stated, I wanted this experience to be reported accurately, at least in terms of how it is going for me. Obviously as the experience has been profoundly different between knees for me… you can only image how different the process could be between people!

Between the pain and the pain killers, I feel like I have no energy, no drive and no imagination or curiosity. All the things that I thought I might enjoy during this downtime have been both physically and figuratively pushed back against the wall where they are but an irritating reminder that I should be accomplishing more. Accomplishing something. Accomplishing anything.

(Oh, did I mention that my laptop up and crapped out on me too! Which means to do anything on the computer, I have actually drag my sorry ass into the office and use my desktop machine. Just one more irritating and complication factor.)

So, once home from the hospital, I gave myself three days to really rest and heal. Sleep long solid hours and eat right (or if not “right” better). Which means, by the end of tomorrow, I should know where I really stand with this knee recovery.


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