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Tired

on 1 October, 2015

There is no other word that I can use to describe what I am feeling, other than tired. I am tired.

I am tired of this constant pain that I live with. Work around. Try to ignore. Try to understand. Medicate. Tolerate.

I am tired of this uncaring and unfeeling world that I live in. Where for the price of parking someone is willing to screw you over. And inconvenience and aggravate many more.

I am tired of trying to find peace and happiness in a world where there is none. I truly cannot pinpoint the last time I can say that I felt even the smallest ping of joy or happiness or inner peace. There is no contentment or harmony in this world we live in, only hatred and pain and the constant need to screw over the next person just so that there seems to be some advantage to the hell we tolerate.

I am tired of worrying about today, tomorrow, next week, next year. It seems that all of our days are spent in insane contemplation of tomorrow. Something so much out of our control that it is laughable that we even try.

I am tired that no one has any concern for anyone else. Even so called ‘christians’ who will still go to church on Sundays and praise god all the while having none of the compassion and charity that their religion calls for.

I am tired of looking for a reason to wake up every morning. The last thing on my mind when I go to sleep at night is for some divine or natural intervention that allows me not to wake up. That allows me to close my eyes at night and to never re-open them.

I am tired of everyone else thinking they know what is best for me. Unless you’ve lived in my skin and felt my pain and unhappiness, don’t think for one second that you know better than me. I am tired of arguing with second year residents who think they know what works best and is best for the body that I’ve lived in for fifty five years. Or having to appease some inexperienced medical student who thinks that because they took a class last semester that talked about the general effectiveness of certain medications, that they know what should work best for me. And I certainly do not need to be lectured on manners or scolded for raising my voice. What arrogance!

I am tired of having to pay for such incompetence and ineptitude and arrogance. And tired of wasting my time. Tired of the attitude that someone else’s time is more valuable or important than mine. Or the incidentals that go along with it. And I am tired of the inability of some people to see just how far a little compassion might reach if only they could see past their own selfishness and incompetence.

I am tired of living in a world that is made up of all of these things. I suppose that it might have to do with the vastness of mediocrity and incompetence in this world. No longer can we even consider ourselves unique or special, after all, we’re just one of nine billion. And every single one of them – including me – is clamoring to be noticed, appreciated, seen.

But this world has become all too impersonal and cold. And I am tired. So god damned tired.

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