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Yes, Its Another Monday Morning

on 21 September, 2015

Damned it all when I am awoken too early by the noise of life going on around me. This morning it is the low tones of an air compressor (painters next door) but often it is the sound of a leave blower or a lawn mower. Of course this is always accompanied by a headache that cannot get better and as the day wears on, it will wear on me. I just cannot start another week this way.

I sleep to white noise but there is something about the pitch or decibels of this machinery that is like a tiny jackhammer rhythmically pounding away at the base of my brain. There is absolutely no way to ignore it and I know that they are behind schedule because of the recent weather and there will be no break in their work for a while. A long while.

It seems lately I have developed a new symptom and search as I may, I cannot find anything like it on the internet. Occasionally, when I stand up and with the first few steps, I “hear” this sound in my head… it isn’t that I am hearing it with my ears, this is a noise from within my head. And it sounds like the noise that would be made if you had four or five coins in your hand and you ‘jingled’ them in your hand. A metallic sort of rhythmic sound. And I can feel something – a lightness in my head or a ever-so-slightly perceptible imbalance – and the suddenly accompanied by a wave of nausea. Only lasts a few seconds – even fractions of a second – but it seems to occur more and more.

I hate that I’ve become this walking cliche of “old people maladies”. I always sort of made fun of my older relatives that when you saw them and asked how they were, they rattled off a list of symptoms and surgeries and pills. I vowed to not do that when I got old, yet, here I am. Well, to be fair, the headaches aren’t a new thing… in fact, thirty wonderful years since I really noticed their presence in my life. Mostly though, I was young and strong and could just “deal” with them. For the most part.

I don’t feel like an old person, although I know that I am. I passed my “middle age” some time ago, although this was the thing that nobody tells you, not really. That you never stop feeling like you and never see yourself as old. But in all honesty, I use my parents as a gauge most days and when they were my age, I didn’t seem them as old. Hell, when I was 20 my Dad was about the age I am now. And I know that he was lively and did things most men didn’t do ten or fifteen years younger!

I think I have just been worn down. Weary of the daily, constant pain. Frankly, I really just want things to feel better or be done with it all. And yet, I am tentatively scheduled for dual knee surgery in just a few months – yes, you read that right. One knee replacement and a week later, the other. I figure that if I get through the surgery and therapy and pain at the same time, I can be on my way to feeling better. Doc thinks its the right thing to do as well. Sigh.



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