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Join me in figuring out "what now?"

Life is “meh”.

on 1 September, 2015

I need something different. I am such a creative person that I will take on anything and everything. Challenging myself is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. But when I find that I’ve mastered something, it quickly becomes rote and I lose all interest. Even if I’ve put in countless hours and more money than I care to keep track. In fact, the more money I’ve invested makes it seem more likely to wane in my desire to do it.

This is evidenced by my morning. After priming and painting the ten thousandth piece of furniture, it holds absolutely zero interest. Now, it is more of the necessity to rid my garage of unfinished projects as I round the corner on going back to work and the impending dreariness of the approaching winter. It takes everything in me just to change into my paint clothes and open the garage door.

Sewing and quilting have again, have reached that status. I’ve sunk literally tens of thousands of dollars (or more, I simply cannot Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 12.44.18 PMbring myself to take a valid inventory) in sewing and embroidery machines and fabric. One might not think that fabric is that expensive, my when you buy as much as I have over the last two decades, it adds up. I can recall making ‘pilgrimages” to fabric stores and easily drop several hundred dollars. Do this ten or twenty times a year multiplied by twenty years and you’re talking some serious dollars. And that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface when you start talking about the specialized cabinetry, books, magazine subscriptions, and all the sundry ribbons, laces, trims and such. You also are looking at a pretty penny when you consider that I’ve managed to drop several hundred dollars on specialty threads, both for sewing and embroidery. And about that embroidery… now I could go on and on about the monies invested in machines, material and threads.

Yet, I sit in this room and cannot even garner the most basic of excitement. My latest project is to challenge myself by making a quilt of scraps no bigger than one inch wide and no more than two inches long. Like I need any real amount of fabric for this! At least, as I tell myself, I am using some of that investment I’ve made.

There is simply no challenge in any of my hobbies. And without a challenge, I am at a loss. I think it might be why every so often I set my sights on the overseas dream and try to learn the language. But it never seems to move forward much.

I suppose this is why I am thinking I need to go back to work. Even with this and my other blogs, I have lost all interest now that I have “mastered” this too. My other blog has recently hit my 5000th reader. Makes it a mark of success, yes? Ah, the stamp of doom and gloom: mastery.

Sometimes I think I want to just walk away from it all. Simply tie my shoes and walk out the door and never look back. But the über organizer in me always jumps in with the questions: where do I sleep? Where do I go? How do I eat? Blah, blah, blah.

It keeps coming back to me. I’m done. Everything that I have ever wanted to do or try has been done or tried. There lies no more challenges. Especially when you throw in the added bonus of needing replacement knees. I feel like I am almost handicapped, considering walking up a flight of stairs requires planning – I can make it up and down about twice in a day before my knees swell to pumpkin sizes and require heat and/or cold to make the next day bearable. And pain meds.

I think I am just worn out. And done. I think I know why living to this age used to be a minor miracle (and is still in some parts of the world). You just run out of things to do. As I have run out of things to do.



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