My Blog

Join me in figuring out "what now?"

One Life

I haven’t written here much. Or lately. Or enough.

The reason I wanted to do this blog – as opposed to my creative blog which gets ten times the attention and a hundred times the posts – for a special reason. To try and figure out what my life is supposed to be about now that I am essentially done with the building of a career, the raising of my son and living and learning about life. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have a purpose and any purpose I do come up with, is fleeting and unimportant.

I am watching a movie tonight – the specific movie is not important – just its message. There have been times in history for people to make a mark. A difference. A change. Many times in history for many people. I don’t know if that is true for most people over the centuries. I mean, how many people can really be ‘memorable’ in the course of history? Even many people who did make a difference – a real difference – aren’t celebrated or revered or even remembered!

I really don’t want to be cliché, as I suspect that I won’t be remembered by many. My son mostly. But within his lifetime, the memory of me will disappear even from him. I heard it once said that as long as we’re remembered, we won’t disappear. But it doesn’t take much or long to be forgotten.

There have been times in my life that I felt like I wanted to make a difference. Ideological, I suppose, to think that I could. Possibly arrogant and smug. Who am I anyway?

I have told my son that when I die, I don’t want him to tell anyone. No announcements in the paper, no online obituary, no notifications to anyone. I don’t want a funeral nor do I want a someone to say words over me. Without any ceremony, I have asked The Kid to have me cremated and then take me to some place in this world that he has always wanted to go and throw my ashes to the wind or water. And then, every now and then as his life allows, he can come back to that place, hopefully one that he loves and honor me.

Did I ever mention that when the Ebola crisis was in full swing in West Africa that I gave serious consideration to going and helping? I reached out to a couple of places, but the problem always was that I didn’t have any technical or medical training that really would have allowed me to contribute in any significant way. In fact, I was told that I would be more hindrance than helpful as I would require someone’s assistance in just understanding the language and the geography and of course my physical condition isn’t really conducive to getting around. About the only real way that I could help was to donate money to the cause. Because, in the end, I wasn’t helpful to anyone.

I’ve seen a few too many World War II movies lately. But I think that was the last time that ordinary people had an opportunity to make a difference. However small or however limited. Is this common? Does everyone want to or believe that they can make a difference in this world? Can anyone really? When you’re talking about seven billion people, what is the life of one person worth?

Have you thought about it?




And Getting Ready To Make Its Return Appearance…

So, today has been, thus far, a wandering kind of a day. You know, one of those days that you sort of have a list of stuff to work on but you can’t quite get finished – hell, today I can’t quite get started! It is going to be hot, so if I work in the garage, I should be doing it now, but I am not quite feeling it yet. I just picked up this huge plant (thank you CraigsList) and it is sitting in the driveway – seriously this thing is like ten feet tall and it needs to be repotted before I bring it into the house – but its going to be hot, so it can’t really stay out there for very long. I am trying to get through emails to see if there is anything important or that warrants immediate attention but I keep getting distracted by all the fun things I am signed up for.

I had a telephone “skills assessment” conversation last night with my latest headhunter firm. I usually hate these things because you really can’t get a feel for how they’re assessing you, but this conversation was different. Good different. I ended up just chatting with the guy as we had similar backgrounds and you know, have all that old technology in common. Seriously, we must have spent ten minutes along on AS400! I know a handful of people that still have that experience (and use it!) so you gotta love someone who has a sense of humor about the whole thing. It was great.

Now, if that just means skills assessment ‘great’, I guess we will have to wait and see. I have found, more often than not, that even though the conversation goes well, that the assessment is harsh. And you never get a second chance to make that first impression. Seems more and more lately that I have developed a kind of blindness, that I think things go better than they really did. Of course, then I sit and analyze everything I said or did (in the case of an in-person interview) and try to figure out how to do it different/better/right the next time around. But it is true that each scenario is different and what you change based on the last interview totally screws up the next one. I will tell you this: I am way too experienced at interviews.

And still, the worst part of a new job is the transition phase. Argh. You know, where you’re never sure what you should be doing or going and you still have to figure out all the different personalities and who is the person you can interrupt and who’s cube you can just pop into or who might be your best ally and lunch buddy, right down to the best route to work to avoid the Grandville triangle morning and evening rush hour traffic jams. And you walk around without a clue about how they’re doing things there and they don’t really care about your experience before because it isn’t how they are doing it now and never will, so just forget about starting any sentence with “When I worked on it before…” because, well, they don’t care.

And on top of it all, I have this thing brewing on the left side of my brain… one that wants to grow into a monster of a migraine because, well, I have been feeling just too damned good lately and it wants to eat up that part of your head where you experience any kind of enthusiasm or joy or the smallest hope of something good. I have a shit-ton of stuff to get done (you know all that stuff that is one little thing away from being finished) and this thing wants to gobble it all up and knock me on my ass.

Guess I will try to get something done before it makes its appearance.


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Wandering Aimlessly

I am such a focus driven person that having nothing to focus on is driving me mad.

I take after my dad in this instance; never could just sit around and watch television. He was always doing something: planting a garden, making furniture, organizing a closet, planning a trip, what have you. Its like he had to have something to focus on or he would go crazy.

I am very much the same person. Even when I throw in two blogs, a job hunt and doing the furniture and quilting, I still don’t have enough to occupy all of my free time. Don’t get me wrong, I have very much enjoyed my sabbatical, but frankly, I am ready to go back to work. That’s the thing that will occupy my brain and hands for a while. Then I can throw back in some of the other “hobbies” and maybe move forward on planning a European trip. Well, you know, all of this takes money.

I can’t seem to stay focused on anything right now. I don’t think I am getting enough sleep and frankly it is because I have too much time on my hands. It used to be that working a full time job and managing a household and working on projects and writing blog posts that really used to wear me out. And then I could sleep soundly and wake up refreshed.

I can’t seem to even stay focused while writing this. I think I am going to eat some breakfast and try to go motivated.


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Just Go The Fuck Away Already!

I almost don’t want to post this today, but frankly it has pissed me off so much so that I have to have an outlet somewhere. And this is that somewhere.

So once again, someone has managed to fuck up my online presence.

Let me step back one or two steps. Anyone who knows me, knows my love of everything Apple. Even working for Apple was one of the highlights of both my professional career as well as my personal. I’ve been a solid fan of Apple – literally – since day one.

So, my whole online presence is centered around my Apple ID. Its how I write my blogs, get my email, connect through Facebook, use my iPhone, set up my wireless internet in my home. Its the center of a very large hub. So when someone manages to lock me out, my whole online world (and some of my offline too) stops.

So, this happened sometime Thursday evening through Friday morning. Someone managed to lock me out of my Apple ID. And thank the stars, they didn’t actually gain access to anything, it did require a new, stronger password be implemented.

Now, every time I sit down to one of my computers or televisions, I have to go through this whole rigamarole of changing the password. If you know me, you know between me and The Kid, we have a lot of computers online. And two iPhones. And an iPad and an Android tablet.

So, that consumed much of my day yesterday and just when I think I’ve gotten everything, another one will pop up. Like this morning when I was writing and investigating stuff online, I opted to do a little streaming on the iMac that sits next to me in my office. Whoops! Forgot to update that one!

And what came to mind? Well, string of profanities for a starter. Then this blog started forming in my head. So, I knew I was going to have to get this out of my head so that I can go on with the day.

To that “special person”: [Clears throat]… this has gone on quite long enough. I don’t care about you. I don’t miss you. I don’t need or want you in my life. I am so over this! At first it seemed a little endearing that you wanted to still keep in contact, even if it was “anonymous” and you have actually introduced me to some interesting web sites along the way (by signing me up), but that is over. It isn’t worth the time and effort of everything else. You made your choice, now live with it and leave me along.


‘Cause this is a major fucking pain in the ass. Like you were. Like you ARE.


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