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Frustrated, Motivationless and Confused: What To Do Next?

on 7 July, 2015

Today is not a good day. I tend to get this way during an active work search. And although it hasn’t been long since I started this particular search, I think I have hit the first wall. I feel like crawling back into bed and just sleeping until this is all over.

And even though I know that I go through this on every search, each time I hit this wall I have the same feelings of frustration and questions. Maybe I should attempt something new? Maybe its time to just throw in the towel. Maybe I should move somewhere new?

The last one – about moving – is a common one. Well, sort of. My father did it to us as kids… I always joked that my Dad was part nomad. And have done it fairly often as an adult. Phoenix, Los Angeles, San Jose, Kansas City… and of course there are all of those little ones in between. A new place and a clean slate.

Although, this time it seems like it might be too hard. Too much “stuff” involved. Spent so much time getting this house perfect for me. And the issue of impending knee surgeries is almost too much to fathom trying to do what would have to be done to move. Sometimes I feel like if I could gather up my photos and important papers and then just drop a match on my way out the door, it would free me from the shackles of consumerism. Or at least what I have already consumed. Maybe it is what I would need to break the ties to this place. (Don’t worry, I really will not commit arson!)

I was thinking about the stories of my parents. They, too, were hostages to their “stuff”. And even though there was a point when they downsized from their house to a mobile home, they still were too imprisoned by things. When they both became too ill to live on their own, the task of combing through everything fell to me and a sister and a brother.

It was incredible as to the things that they found a need to hold onto. Maybe it was that we were looking at it as adults rather than as children, but nonetheless it baffled and confused me. Some of it ended up being useful and awesome to each of the three of us… I found a drawer in the china cabinet that had been stuffed full of birth and wedding announcements, obituaries and funeral handouts and newspaper clippings and photos. It was a gold mine to me as the family genealogist… dates and names and photos that went well beyond informative. But in the next drawer, old bills that went as far back as twenty or thirty years that were useless! The rhyme and reasons were undecipherable.

Wow, did I get off track! But I find that today, I seem to be wandering aimlessly. I cannot seem to muster the strength to start or complete anything and I know I have plenty to do. I am so distracted.

I can’t even come up with a way to end this post. Huh.



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