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The Crazy Old Lady in the Hot Sportscar

on 2 July, 2015

A hundred years ago when I started this blog, it was supposed to be about the “second half” of life. Reflections about what I’ve learned and experienced, but more about what I wanted to do next with the remaining years of my life.

Why the seriousness? Well, yesterday I received an email from one of my favorite places that indicated that Tuesdays were “senior citizen” day. “Senior citizen” being defined as someone fifty-five years and older. Kapow

For a moment, I stared at the words. And then it hit me. I knew this was coming, after all, I had been getting AARP’s mailers for a while. But I think for the first time I realize that I am old! Things have been falling apart on my body for sometime – the chronic headaches and the worn-out knees, but somewhere in there I still felt…  well, not exactly “young”, but not old. Not by any means.

My twenties were rough… really didn’t know who I was or where I was going. Made a lot of mistakes. But, as I’ve have been known to say, mistakes aren’t necessarily bad if you learn from them. And learn, I did.

Overcame some serious hurdles and learned that, more often than not, what was waiting on the other side was usually worth the struggle. My thirties started out a little tumultuous, but the birth of my son turned all of that around. Learned to be strong, not only for myself but also for my son. The rest of my thirties were mostly joyous and soon was embracing the good and learning from the not-so-good. Some day were tough. Wondered if I would come out on the other side. My forties were wonderful. Perfect? Not by a long shot. But there were some seriously effing fantastic times in all of that.

Of all the things that I learned and endured, I knew I was strong. And capable. And no matter how hard the diversity, I knew I was strong enough. I didn’t wallow in self pity, but picked myself up each time I stumbled and persevered. Mostly, it was for my son. Things had to be right for him.

So far, my fifties haven’t been bad… but they sure could be a bit better. There has been this vague grey cloud of uncertainty with regards to my professional life. It almost seems that I have too much experience… that having as much as I do has hit a saturation point. You know? I mean, when it comes right down to it, what is the difference between ten and twenty years of experience? Have I really learned so much that is relevant, that it makes a real difference? Or because of the nature of the changing technological world that, honestly, only the past few years are relevant?

I know that these questions are because I am in a bit of a slump. Once I finally “officially” started job hunting, the doubting begins. I try to tell myself that it takes time and that the right position will appear. I mean, after all, it is the same little conversation that I have with myself with the end of each passing position. You know?

It is just the discord, the turbulence of the dance. But combined with those words on that flier, it rattled me a bit. I think seeing it in black and white is what knocked me off balance. I mean, I am the young, fashionable techie that drives a red sports car. I know what is going on in the world and all around me. I am current with the social aspects of this new computerized world. Right?

I was out the other day in my “8”. Driving too fast and had the music up loud and the windows down. And I see this “old guy” in this gorgeous, black restored (probably like late 60’s, early 70s) Corvette. And my first thought is “damn… car is wasted on an old dude”. A couple of seconds later, I realize that someone might be thinking the same thing about me! I had become the woman I used to laugh at when I was young!

But, he2011 Mazda RX-8ll, I love this car! I’ve had a lot of great, fast, fun cars in my past, and this one comes on the heels of many other awesome cars. But there is something special about sliding in behind the wheel and taking off.  And it does for me, what that Corvette did for that “old guy”… transports us back to a time when there was no grey hair and our joints didn’t cry out when we’ve pushed them past their limits. With the right music, it is a God damned time machine. And I finally get it.

But of course, I didn’t understand it was back when I was young, and today’s young people won’t understand it now, either. I suppose that one reason I hang on to this so-completely-impractical car is because I am holding on to that little bit of youth that I still have left. And, although driving at high speeds is technically illegal, it is a fast and easy way to get my blood pumping through my veins and giving me just enough amnesia to forget the ache of my knees. A little dose of youth.

Wow… really got off on a tangent there. Perhaps has something to do with my “baby” turning twenty day before yesterday. Now I know what people said to me when I was young; that when I was older, I wouldn’t understand until I was older.

Shit. Here I am, I’m older now. And yep, I get it!

MacCupcake

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