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Way Up High or Down Low

When did it become too late for passion and love and heat and romance and sex? Seems I am rolling along getting to experience all the highs and lows of the intricate dance of a man and a woman and then one day, listening to music, you realize that you no longer experience what is being sung about. No more, do you do “the dance”.

Does it happen in a single moment? Like crossing some horrible black finish line? Or does it just come on slowly and gradually so that all of a sudden, you realize like I did, that it is just – poof! – gone?

God I used to love the feeling of falling in love. Or was it the feeling of lust? That sensual attraction that makes you want to have your hands and your mouth and your lips and your body on another person? To be near that person? To hear their laugh, their anger, their joy, even their silence?

Is that just a natural end-to-life? You’ve passed the point of procreating and even raising your babies and now, all of a sudden, there is no need (for the one that has been around) to be around anymore.

I was working in the garage this morning and listening to music. The song tells of a love of a man who wishes he had done it differently – “If I could, then I would; I’ll go wherever you will go, way up high or down low, I’ll go wherever you will go.”

Boy do I remember feeling so hopelessly entangled and endlessly in love that I would have walked on water for a man (or men) from my past. To feel so strongly and to care so little for myself, it was like an addiction to the strongest drug in the universe and you keep looking for that initial “high” over and over.

Maybe it is what my mother experienced once her children were all grown and she looked around and saw that the ‘spark’ of what makes life worth living was gone and why suddenly, she announced one day that she was ready to go. Can it be that life is not worth living without that rush and heat and flush? That once the passion is gone, it takes with it the passion for life?

MacCupcake

Read more: The Calling – Wherever You Will Go Lyrics | MetroLyrics
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Zoom Zoom All the Way to Fargo

So, flipping through online news a few days ago, and I see a story about this powerful storms on the sun resulting in vivid aurora borealis sightings. But not everywhere. In fact, hardly anywhere. Big and wonderful shows in western Europe, specifically in the U.K. and Iceland, but they do mention that there are some less vivid, but still surprising sightings in Alaska and Canada and across the northern United States. Particularly Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. It was about 2:00pm. I looked up at The Kid and asked if he wanted to try to see them.

Two hours or so later, we were driving north on I-29 in the “8”. I remember being his age – almost twenty – and feeling like I could go anywhere and do anything. Like life was just starting. I used to love taking off on those kinds of road trips. That Kid, he is so much like me.

Unfortunately, as we made our way further and further north, the weather started to get cloudier and colder. We were heading toward Fargo – we figured it was still in the range and it would be less likely to have light pollution from any nearby towns. We were hoping that time would clear up the weather, but an hour from destination, it actually started to snow. We actually made it all the way to Fargo, but it was obvious we would not be seeing the northern lights that night. It was almost 2:00am.

I had thought that it would have been best to find someone to lay down and sleep a bit. I even thought it might be fun to wander around Fargo a bit the next day. You know, find Babe the Blue Ox and Paul Bunyan statues that were shown in the film. But The Kid had other ideas. He wanted to head straight back. I think he saw it as a personal challenge.

I trusted him to tell me if he got too tired. I had to take more medication as my head was throbbing – the usual scenario plus the change in medication and the fact that I had been up over 20 hours. The next thing I knew, we were pulling into a gas station about 60 miles from home. The Kid needed caffeine and the car needed gas. We hit a fast foot restaurant and to allow him to eat his ‘french toast sticks’ I took over driving. When he was done eating, he passed out, he was dead to the world. I think up to that point he was running on pure adrenaline.

Bette Davis once said “Old age is not for sissies.” and boy was she right. I’m still recovering from that little jaunt. And trust me, I used to do those little stunts like most people hang out at the mall. It was just too bad that we didn’t get to see the northern lights.

MacCupcake

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It Is A Dark Spring Day

I am in a dark place today. I have had the worst headache – the worst that I can remember for a long, long time. Years, in fact. It has been going on now for nearly three weeks; today being particularly bad. My doctor suggested that we try a new med on a new theory that perhaps my headaches are really small seizures in my brain, so he had me start on an anti-seizure med. Two major things I wished I had known: one) they don’t have a very high success rate and two) in some people it makes carbonated beverages taste bad.

Huh. The self described queen of Diet Coke addiction and within three days of taking the prescription, I could no longer drink it. Probably is what brought on the headache – caffeine withdrawal – and once established, has been impossible to get rid of. (I don’t drink any other caffeine beverages likes coffee.)

There was a week period of “ramping up” with this medication, one each night and then two a day after that. I had hopes that once my body had grown accustomed to it things would be okay. But they have only gotten worse. So, I contacted my doctor’s office and as I had suspected, I have to wean myself off the meds too. Lest they incite seizures. Perfect, right?

So, I am now left with about three days of tampering off the medication – God only knows how long it will take to flush it completely from my system so that my Diet Coke tastes like I remember it.

So, for the next few days, you may hear little from me. I may just crawl under the covers and watch streaming movies with one eye. At a low volume. I cannot wait for this to be over, as I have some stories to tell.

You will come back?

MacCupcake

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400th Post (Two Posts Late!)

Seems like lately I have been a day late and a dollar short. Well, here goes nothing…

400thPostActually (technically) this is my 402nd post, hence the day late, dollar short comment. ­čÖé

Things have been going along pretty good. Nothing ever can be perfect, and honestly, I wouldn’t want it to be. Because then, I’d always be looking out for that thing that would be my undoing.

MacCupcake

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Happy 20,000 Day Birthday To Me!

20000-followers-tumblr_5This is going to be a momentous year for me. Starting with today is my 20,000th day birthday. Give or take a few days, I have been on this earth for 20,000 days.

Yay! Happy birthday to me!

Other than that, it has been a glorious weekend. The weather has rocked! All the doors and windows open and a gentle breeze blowing through, making the wind chimes on my back porch play gorgeous music for me as I worked on projects all weekend.

I hope your weekend was as wonderful as mine!

MacCupcake

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Telemarketers… Have A Heart, OK?

So, another blogger I follow wrote what was supposed to be something funny about being a telemarketer. I want to give you a different perspective.

Okay, so no one really likes them. They always seem to call at the wrong time. They are always selling something that you don’t want or need. Or doing a survey that you don’t care about. But think about this: the person on the other end of that call is just a man or a woman doing a job to earn a living. They might not have too many options or they do it because they can do it while being at home because they have a kid or kids or they are taking care of a sick or elderly parent. I used to know someone┬áthat did it while going to school because he and his wife┬áhad an unplanned baby. It was a way to pay bills and still be able to study. They definitely aren’t thinking that this is some kind of awesome job because they get to call people up and annoy people with sales pitches about better long distance plans.telemarketing-lists

As much as no one likes getting calls from telemarketers, no one likes being a telemarketer. So be decent, huh? Get your name on the ‘do not call’ list and if you get the call, ask to have your number removed. Don’t be an asshole, just calmly request that the number be removed. If they call back, repeat. Or simply say “no thank you, I’m not interested”. Does it take any more time to be polite than it does to be a dick? Nope. And you’ll feel better about yourself, I guarantee it.

MacCupcake

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Just Another One of “Those Days”

Do you ever have ‘one of those days’? It really started very early this morning – really last night, but technically it was after midnight, so today. Anyway, The Kid and I were both in our separate places each of us behind our keyboards but neither of us talking to each other. But he came down and turned on the oven and made noises about not getting dinner and was hungry and was making a pizza. Huh. At what age do you stop needing your mom to make you every meal you eat? Even if you do live at home, shouldn’t you be responsible for at least some of your own meals? And if you cook, shouldn’t it be expected that if you do cook, it should include other people at least occasionally?

Well, when the pizza was coming out of the oven, I casually remarked that I would like two pieces of the pizza. He quipped back “No!”. I thought he was joking, in that way that we do. But a couple of minutes later, when he rounded the corner of the kitchen towards the stairs to his room, he wasn’t hesitating to give me my pieces of pizza. When I mentioned this, he just continued on up to his room, trailing behind him his words “I said ‘no’, mom.”

I was literally speechless. Did I really raise such a spoiled kid? Someone who is always attuned to his own needs but not to others? That he can’t see past his own needs to the one person who thinks of no one but his needs? Am I really so invisible that there is no one who thinks of me? And worst of all, I think I never taught him how to be humble or appreciative or how to apologize. Maybe he just doesn’t have the capacity to realize that other people have feelings and matter too. That sometimes, they matter more.

I have had a growing pain in the left side of my head for about two and a half days. The temperatures here have switched from blizzards and below freezing and wild winds, to a high yesterday of over seventy and temps expected to be close to that today. Days when the barometric pressure make such swings wreak havoc and results in┬ánasty headaches. Combine that with the emotional shit I am going through and it results in a whole ‘lot of just feeling very, very bad.

And of course, today is daylight savings time. Change. Off or on, I don’t know. Stupidest thing ever conceived. Stupidly maintained long after it has outlived its usefulness. I am surprised that it hasn’t become the basis of some sort of consumer sale… like President’s Day or something.

Crap bad day. Is it over yet?

MacCupcake

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Uh, So Much For New Year’s Resolutions

Ha! Here it is only the first week of March and already the vow of writing every day has been long booted. If I keep going at the pace I’ve been, I will be lucky if I write once a month!

Things have been kind of disjointed ever since we took off on vacation. Which, I guess, is really a good thing. But I have been loath to get my head back into whatever it is that I am supposed to be doing. Which is good. Mostly.

But, reality has a way of sticking its funny little nose into business. Again, maybe not so bad. For one thing, I have actually connected with a headhunter headquartered in London. We are going to speak on Monday morning (my morning, his afternoon). I am both nervous and excited that it might actually happen – you know, the whole moving and living in Europe thing.

I am also terrified that it might happen! Yikes! I have been in this safe place for so long now, I am not sure what this might do to me! But, I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge and a journey into the unknown, so hopefully things go the way that they should. I don’t know what way they “should” go, but whatever way it happens to go, that’s they way it is meant to go.

At least financially, things are in a good spot and I can keep the house here in KC, should I fly off to Europe for a year or two and then decide that I want to come back. Or not. Or come back, but not to KC. One of the things that I credit for the successes that I have had in my life is to not have too many expectations, hence, whatever happens usually turns out to be really awesome.

One thing that has a downside is that I really, really miss having a dog. And just when I think I have the time to invest in a puppy – you know the routine of potty training and stuff – the chance of moving to Europe pops up. I don’t want to be one of those people who get a dog just to be getting rid of a dog a year later. That would be terrible. Mostly for the dog, but for me too. I couldn’t do that.

My baby is turning 20 soon. Can you believe it? I can’t. I swear, these past two decades have flown by in the time it takes to blink. I believe he is working on plans to go to school this fall, even if only to start working on taking his general education classes at the local community college. Its how I did it. But then we’re faced with me going to Europe and whether he wants to stay here or go with me. Again, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Been in an “watching old movies” sort of funk today. But I suppose that’s okay. I did sorting of my beads and jewelry pieces as I ready another type-drawer with little jars of organized colors. You know me, if I am faced with stress, I usually deal with it by cleaning and/or organizing. Oh, and eating. Whipped up an Oreo cookie trifle and O. M. G. that is heaven in a glass bowl!

Well, back to the old movie…

MacCupcake

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