My Blog

Join me in figuring out "what now?"

Here, more than anywhere…

on 3 September, 2014

I’m at home today. Got sout+sicktomach flu or something. Spent the better part of the night in the smallest room in the house. You get the picture, I don’t want to be graphic.

Got The Kid here with me. Just went off on a soup run. (Damned if I don’t love Panera and I can never seem to make soup as good as theirs. Maybe its the convenience or someone else doing the cooking.) Anyway, I digress.

When I started this blog about a hundred years ago, it was supposed to be about the way my life was going to change once The Kid was done with high school. Its no secret that I’ve not been the biggest fan of Kansas City, most because I spent two decades in Northern California in Silicon Valley and as far as I am concerned, no where else ever starts to measure up. Oh and yeah, it fucking snows here.

Well, The Kid has been out of high school over a year now. Because of my wanderings out of high school, I wanted to give him the same opportunity, to see what “adult” life is like and what direction he wanted to go. Unfortunately, that year’s deadline just passed September first and he is nowhere closer to making any kind of decisions about his life.

But that’s where this post comes in. You see, I like having him home. He runs errands and get stuff done when I am at work. I like that I know where he is, pretty much all the time. We re-decorated his room last year which gave him a pretty kickass pad that most adults would envy, not to mention his plethora of computer toys. I wish I had a mom who would buy me all this awesome stuff!

I like knowing that he isn’t out there running wild, drinking and smoking and doing drugs (doesn’t that make me a hypocrite considering how much of that I did/do?) and I feel pretty confident that he’s out sleeping around.

But then, I also worry that I am keeping him naive and by the time he does fly the coup, he will be seriously behind the maturity curve. What a conundrum!

Most of you know that he is the result of five years’ worth of infertility treatment. I didn’t think he would ever be. After eight miscarriages and a quarter million dollars and just when we opted to say one more try and we’re done, he was conceived. Even at that, we had to play very, very carefully to get past the miscarriage stage and somewhere about the 20 week mark, I had premature labor that landed me in the hospital. But even after all that, I guess he didn’t want to leave the safety of the womb, because he was 11 days overdue (and I knew EXACTLY when he was conceived) and still not making any kind of effort to join the world. Of course the difficulty in conceiving him was matched by the difficulty in delivering him, but 27 hours of labor and wobbling precariously on the decision of a c-section, he made his entry. God I love that boy!

We seem to be in the same spot again… only this time it is his desire to leave the nest. And like I’ve said, I am not so sure that I want him to leave. I am working on creating him his own “man cave” in the great spot behind his closet and above my bedroom that was carved out by the inclusion of a cove ceiling in my room and the slope of the roof. Why should he even want to leave? For giggles, I bought him a new monitor a couple of weeks ago, just because he wanted it. Would you leave that for a crap, low paying job and a dingy tiny apartment?

Now, I don’t buy him everything his heart desires, but I do get close. You see, I grew up in a household where there was never enough: money, food, necessities and certainly not enough love and attention. And I vowed to do it differently for my child. And I have.

But have I done him a disservice by doing so?



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